Scared To Be Excited

An almost universal question I get asked when people learn of my imminent travels is "Are you excited?" Sadly, I stopped being excited about traveling when I was 15. The first time I went on plane by myself to attend the Truth (yeah, the anti-tobacco group with those odd commercials) summit, my bag got expedited to San Jose CA--the summit was in Seattle, WA. I got my bag the second to last day, and the conference was 4 days. I was a walking billboard that weekend, walking around in Truth t-shirts and Truth flip-flops, while I anxiously awaited my bags.

This experience was preceded by my trip to Haiti when I was 10, where I was bitten by so many mosquitoes, I had to get a shot of cortisone in my butt. Couldn't sit for four days.

I figured early on, if I don't get excited, it won't hurt as much when things (inevitably, it seems) go wrong. So I shut that emotion off.

Anyway, I was thinking about what it meant to be able to travel the way I do, to go to the places I go, and how unfair I am treating these experiences. I am full cognizant of my privilege, but I don't know how to deal with it. I try to dumb it down so that people don't think I'm rubbing it in their faces, and I act all nonchalant about it so people can change to subject and I don't end up talking about myself and how I really feel.

Here's the truth...I'm definitely apprehensive, but scared to be excited. Scared that if I get my hopes up, I'll ruin some karmic, dharmic balance. If I look forward to anything, it will have to be a disappointment to teach me some lesson about vanity or something.

See how twisted I am, how difficult it is for me to treat myself with love and respect?